Cannibal-Dominated Board Announces New Campus Meal Plan

CHICAGO -- Over objections from concerned and succulent Shimer College students and alumni, the cannibal majority on Shimer's Board voted today to approve a new campus meal plan in which all community members will receive three meals per day of a new, experimental food called "ShimerBurger."

The new meal plan will coincide with a campuswide reorganization, in which groups of 10 students and staff at a time will be reassigned to duty in the Shimer meat-packing plant.

"It's time for this tired old institution to be revitalized," said Board leader "Big Poppa" Parker. "We need fresh blood, and fresh meat. Especially fresh meat..." he trailed off, examining this reporter closely. Other trustees explained that, since students will not need housing or other services after reassignment, the new arrangement will save the college a fortune.

Some of Shimer's more appetizing students raised objections to this plan, claiming that the Board members had failed to disclose their shared cannibalistic tendencies before the vote. "It's too late to object now, little swine," said trustee Cathy O'Leary, as she led one of the objectors on a tour of the plant. "You really should have raised this issue before we didn't tell you we were cannibals."

Well-seasoned alumni raised concerns that the meal plan is actually a conspiracy to eat the student body. "That's absurd," Big Poppa exploded when he briefly emerged from the meeting. "How many times do we have to say we have no specific plans to eat the students for either breakfast or lunch? How is that you continue to slander us this way? At Shimer, it seems, no good deed goes unpunished."

Returning to the boardroom, Big Poppa moved to replace the terms "breakfast" and "lunch" in the official meal plan with "Brunch" and "Second Brunch." "It's difficult to raise funds when you use outdated terms like 'breakfast,'" he explained.

Experienced Shimer-watchers anticipate that President "P-Tom" Lindsay may make a rare visit to campus next week to attend the banquet officially inaugurating the new program. The President's office would neither confirm nor deny this rumor. "Silence, vegan! The President's whereabouts are not for the likes of YOU to know about," said a well-fed spokesperson between mouthfuls of ShimerBurger.

EXCITING UPDATE: This reporter received notice today that she will be among the first to be reassigned. Please join us next week for a firsthand account of life inside the new meatpacking program!